can't sleep

I haven't posted much about Mia and where my heart is in a while. So, tonight as I lay in bed not able to sleep with tears once again I thought I should share a bit. Most days are good. Every day I think about Mia...some days that means that I think a lot about heaven, some days that means I think about how much fun Jada would be having as a big sister, some days that means I think about God's purposes for Mia's life and other days like tonight I am thinking about the moments that I had with her and how I would do anything for a little more.

As you know, Jada is an absolute treasure to me. I'm not sure how much she really understands about Mia...she knows that we go to "Mia's grave." When we drive into the cemetery she will ask "where's Mia's?" and point to it when she sees the headstone by the tree. She says that Mia is "with Jesus in heaven" and sometimes she adds "and Mia is singing". But this week from nowhere she pointed to my tummy and said "Mia's in there?"

Brian and I have started praying with Jada for a baby brother or sister (or both :)) and we long for that...but tonight I had this sick feeling about having to go back to the same hospital. A part of me was planning on how we can have our other babies at the other hospital in town and another part of me was wanting to fight to redeem that place as a place of life for us...so I cried because I really wish I didn't have to think about it at all because I would of course prefer Mia be here with us.

So...as I think and pray and cry I am reminded of a quote that I have had on my whiteboard by our bed "Lord help us to fix our hopes so fully on the joy of heaven that we become the freest of all people." So Lord, once again I ask you to use my precious Mia to teach me how to be free.


And...I am convinced that God hears our prayers and that He is good. I am convinced of that. I am not sure how prayer actually works even though I believe it does and I think the more I practice the more He will prove how wonderful and gracious He is in His timing and purposes. One more quote that I am thinking on tonight through my tears "praying in humble dependence indicates that we are genuinely convinced of God's wisdom, love, goodness and power- indeed of all of the attributes that make up His excellent character."- grudem
So...Jesus, I love you and trust you and want more babies to love on this earth...and I love you for Mia and everything she means to me. I am more alive because of her and I long for heaven from the recesses of my heart that I didn't know existed until I knew Mia. Come Lord Jesus!