Saturday, April 17, 2010

why is it so hard to receive?

I remember when Brian proposed to me...he gave me his proposal typed out (in true Brian Lee fashion) which included journal entries about him praying for me long before we ever dated. About a week after the actual proposal, after the whirlwind of excitement settled a bit, I decided to get the typed proposal out and read it. It was late in the evening and I was alone in my college house. As I began reading through his precious words and journal entries I was blown away with his great love, patience and absolute grace towards me...even while I was not His yet. In those moments my heart sank and my stomach felt like a 200 lb weight hit it...I literally fell down on the floor in fetal position leaning up against my wall. The only thing I could think was "I am not worthy of this man, Lord." I am pretty sure I actually said those words in between deep sobs of gratitude.

What did I experience in that moment? Grace...the gut wrenching kind that the sheer magnitude of the gift is too weighty for me to carry without falling to my knees in worship and gratitude! I had another moment like that today...

Over the past few weeks I have been busier that I have possibly ever been in my whole life. Seriously. I won't go into the details of all that, but wow, crazy. Anyway, today started with a senior photo shoot followed by all day photo editing. Brian was with the girls all day. He has been helping so much. When I arrived home I was surprised with an ultra clean house with the washer and dryer running! Wow. It was beyond a gift to me. After spending some sweet family time and dinner, I got Kiva ready for bed while Brian got Jada ready. I was feeding Kiva in her room listening to her sweet little noises and looking into her brilliantly blue eyes when I heard Brian begin playing his guitar in Jada's room. Worship songs began to play and sweet squeels from Jada were heard through the walls. There it was again...the moment of gut wrenching grace! What is this life that I am living? My heart sank and I was once again struck with the reality of my unworthiness of such a life and the vast grace of God poured out over me. And yet it's like I don't want to really look at it for fear of totally breaking down under the weight of God's love for me. And so, as I held my sweet bundle I just cried...not breaking down, just slow tears of gratitude....but I think it might be good for me to have a good cry know?

So I was thinking, we have really really all been given way too much...and when we look at that, it really requires a humility in the deep places...(deep breath and a sigh). I am again reminded of this verse 1 Timothy 1:14-17

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

There ya for more photo editing and then maybe a good cry?


  1. Thank you for sharing those sweet thoughts and moments. You blessed me today.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. It's truly a blessing to our family. I love you!

  3. Ah, Steph...I have been feeling the same way lately! I am reminded of David's prayer in 2 Samuel that says, "Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family that you have brought me this far?" So thankful for His grace! Love you, sister!