Tears, Snot and 3 years of remembering our Mia

 Today marks 3 years since we held and said goodbye to our daughter, Mia.  Today was not an especially sad day nor was it an "ordinary" day either.  It is a paradox of sorts and honestly it is a paradox that I truly live in daily.  Here's what I mean. 
     Our days look a lot like many of yours...feeding children, playing with them, teaching and training them, bathing them and over-all tending to them.  In each day of ours there is laughter, singing, dancing, crying, wiping runny noses and praying.  There are moments when I wish I could sleep in till whenever and moments that I crave stillness.  I am wiped out by the end of every day and am happy to have a quiet home.  But there are some things that the Lord reminds me of daily...literally, daily, that I was taught through Mia.
      The theme of it all is found in these simple words, "I get to be the one that..."   Fill in the blank!  "I get to be the one that rises early to snuggle with a little one.  I get to be the one that grocery shops for a family of 5.  I get to be the one that teaches a soul how to pray.  I get to be the one that cleans up after the juice spills.  I get to be the one that is the bottom of the priority list for a shower :)" ...get the idea?  Here is one way Mia has taught me this:
      3 years ago, as Brian and I held Mia, there were certain things that have been branded into my memory.  One of those things was wiping Mia's precious nose.  She had a little speck of blood and I wiped it off.  I remember saying to her how I wish I could do that for her more as she grew up and I would miss that.  I am weeping now just writing that out...but that is the paradox that I am speaking of.  Every day, when I am tempted to be too tired or too pitiful or too lazy or too self-focused, I remember things like Mia's nose or the shock of sudden loss or the gift of my 3 children.. and all of the sudden the very thing that seemed taxing becomes a deep treasure. 
    I have experienced the tension...the mystery...the paradox of living fully alive in the moment and yet longing for our home in glory.  I am glad the Lord made it that way, aren't you?  So I encourage you, in whatever season that you are in (student, friend, room-mate, co-worker, wife, mentor, mother, daughter, teacher), to live fully in the moments that you are given because we don't get them back.  Let's simply make our prayer "teach me to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom."  Psalm 90:12.  I am reminded of the old song:
   
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free! 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

So...today we went to Mia's grave as a family and released balloons, prayed and remembered.

And two beautiful paradoxical moments were the girls laughing, giggling and playing while we were there among the graves.  And this precious picture

 

...so much to look forward to in this life and the one to come

"uh-oh-da-day-oh"- Kiva

Somewhere along the way, my suspicion is MiMi, the girls picked up the phrase "Uh-Oh- Spaghetti-Oh"  and Kiva has wonderfully translated it into "uh-oh-da-day-o".  I LOVE IT!  She says it many times throughout the day and Jada and I just look at each other and giggle every time!  She is way too fun.

We have been doing a lot of staying at home and playing.  Judson is fabulous and the girls are too.  I am learning how to structure our days to make sure everyone is fed, bathed, played with and really seen.  You know?  I want to really see each of them and what they are needing in each moment.  I am learning how to be more structured in many ways so I can make sure I don't miss any of those "seeing" moments.  It has been great.

And we have been up to a lot of things like weddings, birthdays, starting another year of CC (Jada's school) and Brian has been doing little things like starting a new school and church.  Here are some photos to show the smiling faces in the midst of all of it!

 Jada was a sweet flower girl along with Caroline...they were precious together!

 Caitlin and Eli are hitched!!!  Yay.  Brian officiated the wedding and did an excellent job.  We love the Garzas! :)  And I love this pic of Jada and Brian!  And Aunt Aubrey was such a gift (as always) to us throughout the whole weekend.  Judson loves her a lot already too!

 

 MiMi with our little man

 Jada started her 3rd year of dance!!  And has started jazz this year too!

 Kiva likes Elmo a lot...so of course we needed these matching jammies...look at those sleepy faces!

 sweet men in my life!!!

 play time with new headbands

 and of course, Kiva was calling PaPa on her phone

There ya go...more updates to come!  Bless your week!

a few faces

Some of you have been asking for more pics...and I have some, just haven't blogged :)  So here are some recent happenings around here...all of which have been captured by my phone camera so excuse some of the blurry-ness.  We are all doing great!  Lots of days at home that I am loving.  Just trying to learn our new pace and enjoy these precious people I get to take care of. 

Also, we are about to send out Judson's birth announcements, so if you have been following our blog and I don't have your physical address can you email it to me?!  That would be fabulous! stephanielee10@gmail.com  Enjoy...

 Already a month old!!!

 Judson's toy quickly turned into a tent in the hallway

another cutie pic

He really does get sweeter every day...

a new pic

Just a quick pic from a couple of days ago...he is changing every day...more to come!

Hi World...it's me...Judson!

My apologies...my mom and Brian's mom have lots of pics on their cameras that I need to get from them...here are a couple that I have from my phone. I will post more of Judson's sweet face tomorrow after I take some with my camera here. But for now...here are some of his sisters with him when we came home on Friday afternoon! He has brown hair, light eyes and his coloring is similar to Jada. The girls are doing really great with the transition so far.
The very brief birth story: Wednesday evening we went into the hospital...Thursday morning at 4:15 I woke up in the hospital bed with contractions and by 5:45 Judson was born! It was crazy fast...at 4:15 I was dilated to a 3...it was a super fast progression from there. He was a "facial presentation" so there was a bit of a scare for a couple minutes. The nurse ended up delivering Judson on the bed, the doctors and midwife came later...and he was a perfect little man with a few bruises on his sweet face. It was a very intense hour and a half. The Lord was near and brought Judson to this world in a beautiful way. To say the least, we are so thankful for our sweet guy.

This time tomorrow...

This time tomorrow we will officially be at St. Joe's having begun the induction process! Will you please pray for the little guy's entrance to this world? We are excited to meet him of course and will blog with pictures of his sweet face asap! :)

the water song...and the "too much"-ness of the Lord

It is the countdown...the time when I haven't planned anything at all because Judson could come anytime...but don't want to spend all day every day bored watching the clock tick waiting to meet the little man. So...we play and rest and do the things that are normal. Meanwhile, in the background of all my thoughts are prayers for Judson's little body, hopes that the labor will be short and sweet :), and more prayers for the girls to adjust well. All the while enjoying the stillness of being home with the girls.

Season...I use this word every day. Like in the context of times in our lives and the process the Lord has each one of us on. So, the season of the Lee family being a girl family is about to come to an end and I want to enjoy that. The season of us being a family of 4 is about to come to an end. I think about the term "when the fullness of time had come..." at the beginning of the gospels. The time was full, the season was complete, when God set into motion the birth of Christ. I like that thought. And when I think about this season of our lives changing...I want it to be FULL...complete...nothing left without being felt, experienced, enjoyed, treasured, and understood in the most full way. And as we begin a new season of our family of 5 and adding a dude to the mix, I am excited to tears about the new things we will all learn and experience together.

Judson. My heart is absolutely overjoyed at the thought of raising a son. It is quite a different feeling for me than I had with the girls. As I pray for him and think about him, I can't help but imagine him as a strong man in the kingdom of God. I imagine him strong in stature and faith but a humble man like his daddy. I love that his name means "one who praises God and Christ-bearer"...but as I continued to look into Judson's name meaning it also means "to descend or flow down." This is crazy to me...here's why...

Have you ever read "Hinds feet on High Places."? It is an allegory and it is extravagant with deep meaning of the Shepherd heart of God. The poetry and literary illustrations are precious. I read it while I was still a student at A&M and we have been reading the children's version to Jada. I picked it up and read it again a few weeks ago. One of the things that stood out to me was the "water song." Literally, the happy song the water sings as it descends from the tops of the mountains. This is how it goes...

Come, oh come, let us away—lower, lower every day

Oh, what joy it is to race, to find the lowest place
This the dearest law we know—“It is happy to go low.”
Sweetest urge and sweetest will, “Let’s go down lower still.”

Hear the summons night and day, calling us to come away.
From the heights we leap and flow, to the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call, to the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain, to go low and rise again.

This song is repeated throughout the story and it kept digging deeper into my heart. It was as if the Lord was speaking so clearly to me about the happiest place being the place of a servant. I was reminded of Christ and the way He demonstrated this. I thought of how happy I am when I really sit and think on how much I do not deserve and how much the Lord has given me. It is gratitude and it makes me want to happily bow low in my life and delight in not being important. I don't know if I am making much sense, but I feel like the water song is like a response to grace. A response to God's goodness towards me.

A story from my life: As I started following Jesus in the spring of 1998 I was a mess in many ways. As I started to know the Lord in new ways, I understood how the Lord had truly made me new, cleansing me and giving me a new life. As I thought about my future husband, I prayed and hoped for a man that really loved God with all that he was. I hoped for a man of purity, of holiness, that really walked in the favor of God. Though these things were my hopes and prayers, I always had it in the back of my mind that if the Lord didn't give me those things in husband, that I totally understood...you know, I realized fully that I didn't DESERVE that in any way...but I knew his grace and his forgiveness, so I hoped :). So when the day came when Brian proposed to me, I was thrilled with excitement of course. But it wasn't until a couple of days after the proposal when I was alone in my college house and I re-read Brian's words that he spoke to me when he asked me to be his wife...it was then that my heart was pierced with the realization that the Lord gave me far more than I could have ever asked or imagined! I literally remember leaning against my wall, starting to cry and then eventually sinking down into fetal position weeping with the thoughts of "too much, Lord, you are too much." Deep gratitude, almost painful recognition of my own unworthiness and a position of not being able to get low enough to say thank you to such a good God who loved me extravagantly. Which brings me back to the water song...

I believe the Lord has and is giving us Judson as a reminder of the "too much"-ness of the Lord. Who am I that I get to raise this little man who will become a grown man who, by God's grace, will lead men and women to praise and follow Christ?! So, again I say...I am happy to serve Judson as his mother, and flow down, like the water song, and I consider this gift "too much"...and I can't wait to kiss his little cheeks in a week!!!

...and if you are looking for a good book to read...pick up Hinds Feet on High Places...you will not be disappointed!

keeping up...

July has been wonderful. We have been taking time to be still and enjoy eachother. A few different things that are noteworthy...

• We will have Judson on the 4th (by induction) if he hasn't come before then! SOOO exciting. Some precious girls that are in our lives threw a "little man shower" I felt so loved and now Judson has all that a little man needs!

• Brian is the new director of a charter school in Bryan. After over 3 1/2 years of working "on call" on top of his regular job, he is now down to one job that he is really excited about and is learning so much through. He is made for this kind of role. It is called Arrow Academy. Some really great opportunities for him to lead and grow in so many ways.
  
• Aub took some fun pics of me and the girls.
• Hula dancing...enough said
• The girls love playing dress up and one day we went to get yogurt and then by Mia's grave in their dress up clothes...and I love this pic especially b/c of the symbolism of the fountain. On Mia's headstone one of the verses that is written is "For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see life." Psalm 36:9...it was a sweet mom moment for me...I dearly love all of my girls! And finally...a random pic of the girls. I have been intentionally enjoying and watching and laughing with and taking in the girls before Judson comes. It will soon be "the girls and Judson"
  

Judson and the Girls...

I won't blog much...but I thought I would update with some recent pics and thoughts. One month from now we may be holding our sweet little boy in our arms (or be a day or two away)!! My friend Ari took some maternity pics of me and Judson...I am feeling very pregnant these days, but I really cannot tell you how thankful I am to be carrying around this little man. He is a mover! I definitely get stopped in my tracks every now and then when he decides to do a sudden movement...and I just want to say that pregnancy is such a gift to me. I treasure these moments so much. I really really love it. Of course, I will love sleeping on my tummy in a little over a month also, but not near as much as this season :)

And to prepare for J-man...the girls are now in the same room! Oh what an adventure it has been...they have been great...however we have had some very early mornings. For now, Jada is in a toddler bed and Kiva is in a crib that will convert to a toddler bed. We will probably go the bunk bed route next summer. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make room sharing the most peaceful, I am all ears.And I just thought they were cute looking at eachother...sorry about the cell phone pics...that is what I have handy!Jada's self portrait with the camera :)

Are you kidding me with this look, Kiv? She is sooooo much fun! Aunt Ashley took this one.And a recent moment while dress up and dancing...love the serious look on her face as she very obviously perfects her moves!