O Suffering How Beautiful You Are...

Today I was able to spend some quality time out at Mia's grave. I was weeping pretty hard just remembering that Mia is 2008 for me...I was able to be Mia's mommy on this earth in 2008. I really wanted time to stand still and I really wanted to fast forward to eternity all at once...I don't like to suffer and I really don't know anyone who loves it! Even Jesus asked for His great cup of suffering to pass...

So on my way out of the cemetery I was drawn to read some other headstones. One in particular drew my eyes and it was a husband and wife with a beautiful scripture about God's glory overflowing out of heaven into earth. I was struck with deep connection with this couple that was now with Christ...I wanted so desperately to pick their brains about how they lived the long lives that they did and what kind of suffering they experienced and what marks their sufferings made on their lives for God's glory...and then a deep truth struck me in a much deeper way...

Suffering ALWAYS produces beauty when surrender to The Father is active. I don't want to pick every old-person's brain about their suffering...I don't want to know self-help strategies or pick yourself up from your own bootstraps kind of thought...and I certainly want to fight against the lies of any older person that just says that life is hard and then you die... I want to pick the brains of the old woman who was widowed and is a fiery prayer warrior as she experiences God's love towards her deeper today than yesterday.....I want to pick the brain of the retired pastor who still pastors people without his "pastor title" and though he has lost many loved ones, believes that God is alive and is able to do great miracles....that kind of stuff!

Tonight...on the eve of a new year I want to embrace these past moments/months of suffering with great expectation of the beauty and life that will come. Brian and I talked about how we expect 2009 to be a year marked with life. Please pray that along for us.

Tonight we were able to worship along with one of our favorite worship leaders "Jason Upton" through a televised conference...it was beautiful and almost a perfect summary of the tornado of hope and heartache that has been going on in my heart over the last week or so. Enjoy...

Jason's commentary" we've come to the mountain of the living God. The Hebrew writer doesn't indicate at all that it is going to happen one day...the Promise is here, its now, there is no better day coming than right now unless there's a better Son that's going to resurrect, the Son has resurrected, the morning is upon us. It's no brighter EVER than it is right now, so its us that has to awaken to that reality. that the kingdom is here and it's in you and me. amen."

Old man take my hand now, let us walk together
for years we have labored in vineyards apart,
the distance between us account for the problems
Oh suffering how beautiful you are.

we have come to the mountain of the living God
take a good look around us
what we see is what we've got
there's no better day a comin
no brighter morning sun
we have come to the mountain of the living God.

Old man please forgive me
for what I've been missing
this life that I was given
is better than I
could ever have wanted or even imagined
forgive me for wastin' so much time

We have come to the mountain of the Living God
take a good look around us
what we see is what we've got
There's no better day a'comin
no brighter morning sun
We have come to the mountain of the Living God.


He's a Living God....

Keep them coming...and Christmas fun :)

Thank you so much for all of your comments on hope both on the blog and by phone. Please keep them coming as I am hopeful to learn more :) I am so glad for friends that have deep wells of knowledge and understanding in so many ways...thanks for adding to me!

So, Christmas was here and we had a great time with family. Jada was TOTALLY spoiled...or should I say well-loved? I have added some photos from our time here in Bryan and our time in New Braunfels. Also, we celebrated my brother, Jason's, birthday on Sunday night. My sister-in-law Shannon threw him a surprise party and he was definitely surprised (great job shan!) I have added some photos of that too.

Jada got a tricycle and loved to ride it around...she hasn't mastered the pedals yet :)

Jada loved her helmet so much that she didn't want to take them off!

Uncle Jason and Aunt Shannon gave Jada a big alligator that she lovingly has named "Greena"...this is officially the first animal that Jada has named totally on her own.
After we sang "Jingle Bells" we would say "Hey!" and throw our hands up in the air...Jada had lots of fun doing that!
Jada's friends Piper and Zoe came over on Christmas eve and they all decided to have a crib party...aren't they funny?
Aunt Dawn gave Jada and Madyson umbrellas with their names on them...they carried them around and played with them a ton! They even watched cartoons with their umbrellas :)

Jason and Shannon at Jason's Party

When we yelled surprise it was a bit scary for Jada :)...I thought this was kinda funny.

And...Jada bug has caught a bug and has been coughing, sneezing and now is on an antibiotic for an upper respiratory infection...so please pray for her speedy healing!

Your thoughts?

I would love to hear what you guys think of when you think of "HOPE"? I have been asked to share/speak at a night of worship in New Braunfels on January 23rd and I think I will be sharing on Hope...so please give me your thoughts!

my thoughts on hope...

I have been intrigued with Hope. The meaning of the word, the why, the when, the how, the actions involved in hoping. I have been extra sad these past two weeks. Some of the deep places in my heart are missing Mia. These are the moments when I wish somehow I could hold her again or the moments that I want to hope for her again...and then the reality of remembering that I will not get the privilege of that until this life is through. YET...there is this strange hope that is in my heart about who God is and what He will do with the rest of my days.

Hope is brave.

Brave has never been a word that has meant much to my heart. Really. I've always been the girl that is drawn to other words like sweet, kind, exciting, etc...brave was for other people who were more like fighters or warriors or people that are gifted with not being afraid of confrontation...that just hasn't been me....

But I can't stop thinking about those words "Hope is brave"...and I like it and I feel it. I am full of hope. Not in some strange pick myself up from my own bootstraps kind of way, but in an excited to trust Jesus more than my own thoughts or any wisdom that is from this world. I am full of Hope for our family and I am glad that Jesus has always known better than me about what is best.

I was reading a prayer that Piper wrote in a little book called "Life as a Vapor". It is good stuff :) and I thought I would share this prayer with all of you...I pray that we would all pray and walk in the fullness of this kind of life...

"Gracious Father, grant me a lowly spirit of gratitude. Make me feel the preciousness of past grace. Give me an honest memory of mercy. Forgive me for the pride of unremembered gifts and callous thanklessness. Waken faith in my wavering soul and give me strong confidence in your solid promises. Where past and future meet make me humble and bold. In Jesus' name and for His sake, Amen."

Let it snow!

On Wednesday we had snow!!!!

And then it was almost 60 the next day...but we enjoyed it while it lasted!

Jada's dream come true!

Jada met Elmo! We went to the children's museum this weekend and we had "brunch with Elmo and Santa :)" Jada was truly absolutely delighted! It was hilarious to watch her totally giddy throughout the experience! Here are some photos of our time...

Looking Up

I want to start with Oswald Chambers...it is the entry from April 29th out of "My Upmost for His Highest"

"Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."

As you can see I have taken some random photos of Jada and I was overwhelmed at how many I have of her physically looking up. Maybe this is part of what Jesus meant when He said to come to Him like children. Physically looking up with expectation of Jesus' hand gently leading. That is what I want. Besides that, Jada is cute and I thought you would enjoy the photos :)

(butterfly headband courtesy of Uncle Jason and Aunt Shannon :))

Also, we were given a sweet visit from the Smithers. What a gift they are! Cherish and Jada helped me bake some pumpkin bread and also had an outdoor tea party. Pretty cute.


And I wanted to ask for your prayers. My mom and Mike have moved from Spring/Woodlands and are now living in Bryan in a temporary living situation. They were expecting to sell their house tomorrow and their buyer fell through....so they have totally moved out but still making payments on their house. PLEASE PRAY for someone to buy their house so that they can move forward with buying or building a house here...and pray that they would be able to have joy in the midst of their frustrations. Thanks!

Intimacy Update...

Thanks so much for praying. The visual that I had was that of me standing on a rock with weak knees...and around me were friends, mentors and fellow believers physically holding me in place, strengthening my legs, heart, and mind. So that's what happened. I stood upon the stage and was able to tell my "story" to a large group of beautiful girls that came to worship. I was humbled and blessed as many girls responded in honest and sweet ways. I am so thankful! I am truly more convinced than ever that the desire of God's heart is to draw His daughters near to His heart. I am glad to be one of them!

Thank you to all of you whose hands I physically and spiritually felt holding me up. I love you!

Intimacy...

I wanted to let you all know something kinda crazy...last spring I was asked to share my testimony at a thing called "Intimacy"- it is a night of worship for women and college girls in the community. It is an open invitation thing so all girls are invited. Anyway, it is tomorrow night, the 7th (just in case you are a girl, live in BCS and can come...it is at Grace Southwood at 8:00.)
Many prayers, tears and hope have already gone into this night and I would love your prayers for God to move in really sweet and eternal ways in all of us who are there. I am hopeful that it will be a real night of grace and healing for me as I share who God has been in my life and now how much more He has been to me with all that has gone on with our loss of Mia. I am also hopeful that the Lord wants to do some beautiful things in the lives of girls who attend. So...
Thanks! I'll update afterwards :)

secret candy drawer...

With all of the serious blogging lately, I thought I would include some fun moments over the past week.

Uncle Jason is one of Jada's new favorite people!

Pinky...the balloon that is bigger than Jada from Aunt Shannon.

We went to a fall festival at the park with some friends..Jada didn't want to actually get into the bouncy castle where the kids were jumping into eachother and falling over (a little to rough for our soft-hearted girl) ...so she bounced on the outside in the safe arms of her daddy.

Some of Jada's closest friends :)
"Carolina- Ethan- Cruz" or in Jada's version "Catonina- Etin- Cwuz"

These are two things that I am thankful for today:

1. Jada's version of the ABC's that floats in and out of what I know as English, but she carries a great tune.
2. my secret...or not so secret candy drawer...it is just secret because Jada doesn't know about it...YET!